I Love Mornings- They Simply Don’t Return the Sentiment

22 Jul

I am not one to be up to catch the worm, but I do love the early mornings. The world is just beginning to stir, the air smells fresh and clean and the hummingbirds abound. Then I usually reward myself for my early rising by taking a nap!

Well, this morning I got up, not early necessarily, but had I not made plans I would have stayed in bed another hour or so. So I’m in the shower at 0930. After what feels like a fifteen minute shower, as I exit the bathroom I glance at the clock and it has been much closer to thirty minutes. I don’t take long to dress, do my hair and makeup. It usually takes ten minutes. Somehow, my normal routine takes me twenty minutes! AAACK!!

I grab my hat, jump in my little car and take off.

Only to be almost stopped by an elderly gentleman who pulls out in front of me and drives much slower than his not-quite-new-but-new-enough-to-go-MUCH-faster-than-THIS Toyota Corolla.

As a passing lane opens up, I zip around him, trying with everything I am not to scowl directly at him. It’s not my place to scream at an old man who is clearly more comfortable driving slowly.Perhaps he is concerned of his advanced age and worried that perhaps his reflexes aren’t what they used to be, or that his eyesight is going. Perhaps it’s because the last time he felt froggy and laid on the gas he slid through two stoplights creating mass havoc with the traffic surrounding those cross-roads, swerving onto the sidewalk, upending tables and chairs as he tore through the strangely abandoned Starbucks patio, ricocheted the United States Post Office roadside mailbox off his windshield sending birthday wishes, heartfelt sentiments, utility bills, flyers for the latest Petsmart Opening In Your Neighborhood!!, and a letter letting a fretful and sad woman that her twin sister did not, indeed, perish in the accident.

So I slide in front of the old man and in a moment he is an ant in my rearview.

Next it’s time for a work truck to pull in front of me. This guy… he was tricky. I thought he was on my side. he did a Shannon approved 50mph in a 35mph zone, accelerated impatiently when a vehicle that slowed us both down turned off onto a side road. We both took a right on red at appropriately safe times. And as the two lanes split into four, I fully expected him to take the inside lane and shoot around the groggily moving traffic we had come upon after we made our right turns. As I suspected, he took the left lane and began accelerating and after he had passed two of the slow cars- stopped moving forward. He was holding the speed of the traffic to our right, holding me hostage! If he had scooted up TWO MORE car lengths, I could have overtaken him and had the lane to myself in front of him, leaving me to close the next mile and a half much faster than we, as one happy group, did.

The old man in the acceleration lane then proceeded to not accelerate. As we hit the highway, I dropped a gear and darted over to the hammer lane (safely of course). And the white haired, wrinkly old man with the angry face nailed it as well. We sat, my nose next to his tail, painfully, for a moment. He finally let off at 75mph allowing me to creep past him. He really did look angry! And it looked like his face had been in that same expression for a REALLY LONG TIME!

I make it to my exit, head toward the theaters as a work van pushes me out of my lane and damn near into another a car already occupying the lane I am inevitably headed towards. I lay on my horn as I yell the nicest four letter words I know, and the bastard simply looks in his sideview mirror at me- AND KEEPS ON COMIN!! YOU STUPID SON OF… MOTHER… PIECE OF RAT…

He slides from the lane I was in to the lane I am currently leaving in order to get back over to my original lane as he continues across all four lanes without so much as a glance. I pause, considering following him to get his license plate, then think better. I am armed and pissed off and about to miss my movie. If I follow him I WILL miss my movie and then I’ll have yet another reason to do something bad to the driver without a brain. Not that it would make much of a difference in his outlook on life.

As I’m parking, my friend calls to make sure I was coming to the right theater, as there is another one just a few blocks away. I assure him I am, hang up, and walk inside, daring a driver to accidentally not see me crossing the road.

I walk into the air conditioned lobby and find my good friend waiting. He was late for the movie… I was later! And the first thing he says to me? “Man… it’s early. Who’s idea was this?”

Exactly.

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2 Responses to “I Love Mornings- They Simply Don’t Return the Sentiment”

  1. Alex Kyzer July 22, 2012 at 22:13 #

    You do not need a motorcycle; you need an M-1 Abrams Tank!

    • The Irish Bard July 24, 2012 at 00:26 #

      …hey, you don’t have a friend with one of THOSE do you? Ya know… just curious…

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