Tag Archives: pain

Fun to Watch… Not So Fun to Participate

1 May
Please, just don't do it. It not only hurts you, it also hurts all of us out here looking at the photo.

Please, just don’t do it. It not only hurts you, it also hurts all of us out here looking at the photo.

Another Long Night

5 Nov

I pour the last drink a little stronger than the previous, though I don’t mean to. I am caught up in my thoughts as I pour, and the bottle lays over itself, aimed at my glass, just a second longer than intended.

Shit.

The brief thought rolls through my head as the next thought comes tittering behind it, covering its’ tracks.

Ha HAA! Thank GOD for the ‘accidental overpour’!!!

Oh- shutup. I mumble aloud to my other self. This is not funny.

This shit is NOT funny. How I long for sleep. But part of me won’t allow it. I could lay down on the cold concrete in the garage and sleep fine if I would only allow myself. But that small part of me forbids it.

The small devil on my left shoulder pokes and prods me with its tiny pitchfork.

You deserve all the pain you get for the pain you inflict on others.

But I don’t WANT to hurt anyone!! My scream echoes in the front of my mind. It resonates in my chest.

TOO BAD!!

I hear it as if I were stabbed in the heart. It has become hard to breathe. I want nothing more than to take back every hurt I have ever inflicted on anyone.

All I ever wanted was a little peace in my life!! I scream into oblivion.

I just want those I care about to be happy. Then I can be happy. Then maybe I can find any semblance of my own peace. I have learned… I understand now! Just please- release me…

The guttural chuckle grips me. The ice holds me.

I take a breath. I close my eyes and breath deeply as I try to clear my head, try to clear my heart.

Your drink is almost empty.

I scowl at myself.

Yeah. I know.

Quiet

24 May

Silence is not always my friend. Actually, silence is rarely my friend. My brain begins to spin into overdrive and then overheat. That results in damage to my engine and the steam copiously pours from my ears.

But a strange sort of calm has come upon me, of late. It is unlike my past quiet respites from my own feverish over-workings. It feels that the eye of some slow-moving, never-ending storm has passed, and the peace from what I believed to be  the end of the storm- followed by more thunderous destructive wind, rain and hail- may finally be in sight.

Should I take a chance? Should I pull the plywood from my windows, now? Should I open the hatches? Is it safe?

Something tells me safe harbor isn’t far off. I must still work to get my sad, tiny, weather pummeled ship there. But the breeze is warm, the air tastes fresh. I can feel the tease of the sun’s warmth coming out from behind dark curtains.

And I have hope for a beautiful sunset tonight.

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